How scams work
How romance scams work, and why they work on thoughtful people
The short version
- It starts with a message, not a payment.
- It copies how real relationships feel, so the feeling alone cannot tell you which is which.
- The difference shows up in what is asked: money, secrecy, and reasons you cannot meet.
- It depends on secrecy and shame, so telling one person is the best protection.
Telling them apart
How is this different from a real relationship?
Real relationships also start online, grow slowly, move to private messages, and feel close. So the feeling is not the test. What is asked of you is. The differences show up in six places.
Money
In a real relationship
It can wait. Nobody needs you to send money to prove you care.
In a scam
Money, gift cards or crypto are requested, often small at first, tied to an emergency, a trip, a fee or an investment.
Meeting
In a real relationship
They want to meet, or have a believable plan and keep it.
In a scam
There is always a reason not to meet, and plans fall through at the last moment.
Hearing “no”
In a real relationship
They accept it.
In a scam
Guilt, anger or sudden urgency appears when you hesitate.
Other people
In a real relationship
They are glad for you to tell friends, family or your bank.
In a scam
You are asked to keep it secret, or to give your bank a different reason for a payment.
Their story
In a real relationship
The details hold together and can be checked over time.
In a scam
Details shift, or their life is hard to verify.
Direction
In a real relationship
It moves toward knowing each other in real life.
In a scam
It moves toward money, a private app, and a fake investment platform.
Two honest cautions
- No single sign proves anything. Real couples who live far apart also move to private apps and cannot always meet quickly. The strong sign is the combination: a request for money from someone you have not met, a reason you cannot meet or check, and secrecy.
- The safe rule costs little. If you have not met in person, do not send money. A real partner can usually wait.
Sources: Australian Federal Police, 21 January 2024; National Anti-Scam Centre, March 2026; Financial Conduct Authority, Multi-firm review
Who and why
Who is behind it, and why do they do it?
Because it pays, and because it can be run at scale. In Australia, romance scams cost A$139.9 million in reported losses in 2025, the third-largest scam category. In the UK, losses by bank transfer alone reached £39.2 million, the highest ever recorded. These are only the reported figures.
Many are organised operations, not one person. When Philippine authorities raided one scam compound, they found more than 300 computer towers, 1,000 mobile phones and thousands of SIM cards, and made over 250 arrests. A 2026 study of scam manuals found the people running these scams described as “salespeople” and their targets as “clients”, working from scripts.
What we do not do. We do not try to say who is behind a message from a country, an accent, a profile picture or a gender. That does not work, and it harms people. Offenders and victims come from every background. What gives a scam away is behaviour: what is asked, how fast, and for what.
Sources: National Anti-Scam Centre, March 2026; UK Finance, June 2026; National Anti-Scam Centre, 31 January 2025; Asyalı, 2026
Step by step
How it unfolds
The approach
Someone finds you.
Contact begins out of the blue: a dating-app match, a friend request, or a message that looks like a wrong number. The AFP notes that romance baiting often starts with a cold text rather than a dating profile, and that the first message is often presented as an accident or fate.
Fast closeness
Trust is built quickly, and moved somewhere private.
Messages become daily and intense. Pet names and declarations of love arrive within weeks. The conversation is moved from the dating or social platform to a private app, and meeting in person or on live video keeps being postponed. Research on scam manuals shows these behaviours are scripted and deliberately practised.
Money enters the conversation
Wealth, an emergency, or an opportunity appears.
Money comes up in the same breath as the future. The other person mentions a successful investment, a blocked account, a medical bill, or a business problem. In romance baiting, they offer to show you how they make money, often through a platform that looks like a real exchange.
A small ask
A low-value request tests whether you will pay.
The first request is small: a top-up, a gift card, a few hundred in crypto, 'just this once'. The FCA found that fraudsters often begin with low-value payments, which reinforce trust and usually look normal in a bank's data.
Bigger, and secret
Amounts grow, and you are told to hide it.
Requests become larger and more frequent. People are encouraged to borrow, sell assets, or use retirement savings. They may be told to keep the relationship secret or to give bank staff a different reason for the payment. The fake platform shows impressive profits.
The trap closes
Fees block your money; threats or silence follow.
When the person tries to withdraw 'profits', they are told to pay a fee, a tax, or a 'verification' charge first. Some victims are threatened with the release of intimate images. Others are contacted by a 'recovery service' that targets victims a second time. The relationship then ends, often without warning.
The psychology
Why it works on thoughtful people
It uses ordinary, good instincts.
Wanting closeness, and wanting to help someone you care about, are normal and healthy. Scams are built to use exactly those instincts. Falling for one says nothing about intelligence or judgement.
It asks for something small first.
Researchers describe a technique called foot-in-the-door: a small request is accepted, which makes a bigger one feel consistent. They also describe the opposite, door-in-the-face, where a very large request is followed by a smaller one that now seems reasonable.
Source: Whitty, 2013
It uses emergencies and time pressure.
A lost passport, a blocked account, a medical bill. A real-sounding crisis leaves little room to stop and think, which is why a pause is such a strong defence.
It isolates, and then it shames.
People are often asked to keep the relationship secret, or to give their bank a different reason for a payment. In some cases, private images are used as leverage, which is often called a honey trap or sextortion. Shame then keeps people from telling anyone. If that is happening to you, there is a guide for it.
Sources: Australian Federal Police, 21 January 2024; Financial Conduct Authority, Multi-firm review
Technology makes it more convincing.
Researchers report AI-made profile pictures and personas that can get past a reverse image search, and growing use of fake audio and video. So how someone looks or sounds on a call is never proof that they are who they say.
Source: Moseley, April 2025
What stops it
Where it can be broken
At the first request
The cheapest place to stop it is before the first payment, however small. The first request is the test.
By telling someone
In one published case, a friend’s suspicion and a short checklist were enough. No money was sent.
By acting quickly
If money has gone, fast contact with the bank gives the best chance of stopping it. In the UK, two thirds of romance-scam losses by bank transfer were returned to victims in 2025.
Source: UK Finance, June 2026